Vent post about the state of things
Mar. 26th, 2021 05:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamyunicornMy current situation is that ocd has taken everything from my life. I don't see friends, I don't go out anymore, I don't do university or volunteering or sport anymore. I can't look after my health or my body. I can't even inhabit my house in a way that vaguely resembles normal. I can't do most things.
It's happened before, somewhat worse than this. But what feels very different from the last time is how little support I have. Even though there were a lot of years in between where I was doing considerably better, everyone is sick of it. Sick of me. I have never felt more unloved than I do in this period of my life. I wish somebody would take care of me so badly because I can't take care of myself. But nobody who is around me cares anymore. They're over it. But I don't get to be over it. I just have to suffer and waste away because I can barely feed myself. They want me to get better but won't even help me with basic things that would help me move forward and be more independent. I'm sick of being a burden but I don't have the ability to be anything else. Not right now.
When my sister gets angry at me for being annoying about trying to make sure she does things the correct way so I get to eat, it makes me feel like I have nobody left. It makes me cry most times but she doesn't know that. She just walks away thinking I'm an annoying bitch. I can't talk about it because it will just come off manipulative. But it hurts so much how little she cares about my feelings. Because I have bad feelings too often for her to care. Like, yesterday I said that I was so upset that I felt like I was going to break my teeth from how hard I keep clenching them. And she didn't even respond at all. Nothing. And even if she does respond to me it's so disproportionate that it doesn't feel comforting at all. Like, I'll say how overwhelmed I am, obviously on the verge of tears, and she'll just say "oh, that sucks", in the same tone you'd respond to someone telling you about a very minor inconvenience. I miss being comforted. I miss other people thinking my feelings are even a little bit important.
But it all comes down to the fact that everybody is burned out. So it's not like I get to feel like I'm fine and my family are just selfish. They've tried. I just wish that right now wouldn't be the point where they decide to stop caring or going out of their way to help me. Because right now I have no option but to be dependent on them. I wish that wasn't the case but it is.
It's happened before, somewhat worse than this. But what feels very different from the last time is how little support I have. Even though there were a lot of years in between where I was doing considerably better, everyone is sick of it. Sick of me. I have never felt more unloved than I do in this period of my life. I wish somebody would take care of me so badly because I can't take care of myself. But nobody who is around me cares anymore. They're over it. But I don't get to be over it. I just have to suffer and waste away because I can barely feed myself. They want me to get better but won't even help me with basic things that would help me move forward and be more independent. I'm sick of being a burden but I don't have the ability to be anything else. Not right now.
When my sister gets angry at me for being annoying about trying to make sure she does things the correct way so I get to eat, it makes me feel like I have nobody left. It makes me cry most times but she doesn't know that. She just walks away thinking I'm an annoying bitch. I can't talk about it because it will just come off manipulative. But it hurts so much how little she cares about my feelings. Because I have bad feelings too often for her to care. Like, yesterday I said that I was so upset that I felt like I was going to break my teeth from how hard I keep clenching them. And she didn't even respond at all. Nothing. And even if she does respond to me it's so disproportionate that it doesn't feel comforting at all. Like, I'll say how overwhelmed I am, obviously on the verge of tears, and she'll just say "oh, that sucks", in the same tone you'd respond to someone telling you about a very minor inconvenience. I miss being comforted. I miss other people thinking my feelings are even a little bit important.
But it all comes down to the fact that everybody is burned out. So it's not like I get to feel like I'm fine and my family are just selfish. They've tried. I just wish that right now wouldn't be the point where they decide to stop caring or going out of their way to help me. Because right now I have no option but to be dependent on them. I wish that wasn't the case but it is.
