Things have been a little better. I feel a bit like a cloud has lifted. I ended up talking to my sister about how I was feeling and since then she has made an effort to spend more time with me and that has helped a lot. I think a lot of my depression was a result of isolation. I'm not as miserable anymore. Ocd is still kicking my ass though. I went out yesterday, but it didn't feel worth it. It was hard and relatively joyless.

I think I haven't been as good at exposure as I had been. I need to look at why that is. I think part of it is that I always let myself make excuses not to do it when I'm feeling tired and worn down. But there is potentially more value in learning to do it then than when I feel good. That's worth remembering. I need to examine my hesitations and get back on track.

The Tom Green show has been my new obsession. I'm having a lot of fun watching it, I wish it was easier to find the old episodes. I want to make fandom content of it but feel self conscious because there isn't really a fandom culture surrounding the show. So on tumblr it'd just be me posting gifs for an audience of myself. But that's ok I guess. I like people who just lean into their niche interests. It's not even like the show is particularly obscure. It's just not something people currently post about.

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about masculinity in Jackass and Wildboyz that I can't exactly articulate right now. But I really enjoy it and connect with it. I get gender envy a lot, often for very specific niche's of masculinity. Idk, I get this weird longing. I have a lot of feelings about the idea of getting to be a certain kind of man.

Anyway, the culmination of these things has been me daydreaming about how cool it would be to get a group together to make a drag king show where we dress as the Jackass guys and do stunts. It'd be cool as fuck. I feel like Jackass as a theme actually would lend itself really well to a drag king show. It's obviously unrealistic because I don't know a group of drag kings and it's very niche. But come on. It'd be bad ass.

I try to keep dreaming of a future where things are better. I don't know how much better is realistic, I get mixed opinions on that. But I'm going to be moving into the upstairs bedroom soon and I genuinely believe my life will run a bit more smoothly after that. I'll actually have space! Space to put things! There are a handful of reasons why me living in that room would help me inhabit the house more normally. I'm hoping that it will make some of the obstacles I'm facing about moving forward in this house seem more surmountable.

Also I can't wait to decorate my new room! I'm excited about:

• Anne stokes gothic fairy bedsheets
• Posters of things I love like metal bands, lord of the rings, ect
• I just really love the aesthetic of tacky, dramatic décor that toes the line between goth and nerd. I want dragon statues! Skull chalices!
• My polymer clay creations. I want to make Nsync dolls and wizards and other cool stuff
• An area where I can do painting
• Maybe a little fridge where I can keep some instant meals
• Room to excercise
• Room to dance! I want to learn dances I love
• Reed diffusers to make my room smell pretty
• With my own ensuite i can get good skin and dental care routines
• I could collect comics in a bookcase (you can really tell I've been living in a room with no space for furniture)
• I can take photos in my pretty room
• I will have space for as many instruments as I want
• Pretty view
• Nice space to hang out in. I want to fill my bed with cushions and stuffed animals and comfy things

Would be so cool if I could get to a point where I could have sleepovers in my room. I miss that more than most things. I think the new room will be better for that than my current bedroom.

My current situation is that ocd has taken everything from my life. I don't see friends, I don't go out anymore, I don't do university or volunteering or sport anymore. I can't look after my health or my body. I can't even inhabit my house in a way that vaguely resembles normal. I can't do most things.

It's happened before, somewhat worse than this. But what feels very different from the last time is how little support I have. Even though there were a lot of years in between where I was doing considerably better, everyone is sick of it. Sick of me. I have never felt more unloved than I do in this period of my life. I wish somebody would take care of me so badly because I can't take care of myself. But nobody who is around me cares anymore. They're over it. But I don't get to be over it. I just have to suffer and waste away because I can barely feed myself. They want me to get better but won't even help me with basic things that would help me move forward and be more independent. I'm sick of being a burden but I don't have the ability to be anything else. Not right now.

When my sister gets angry at me for being annoying about trying to make sure she does things the correct way so I get to eat, it makes me feel like I have nobody left. It makes me cry most times but she doesn't know that. She just walks away thinking I'm an annoying bitch. I can't talk about it because it will just come off manipulative. But it hurts so much how little she cares about my feelings. Because I have bad feelings too often for her to care. Like, yesterday I said that I was so upset that I felt like I was going to break my teeth from how hard I keep clenching them. And she didn't even respond at all. Nothing. And even if she does respond to me it's so disproportionate that it doesn't feel comforting at all. Like, I'll say how overwhelmed I am, obviously on the verge of tears, and she'll just say "oh, that sucks", in the same tone you'd respond to someone telling you about a very minor inconvenience. I miss being comforted. I miss other people thinking my feelings are even a little bit important.

But it all comes down to the fact that everybody is burned out. So it's not like I get to feel like I'm fine and my family are just selfish. They've tried. I just wish that right now wouldn't be the point where they decide to stop caring or going out of their way to help me. Because right now I have no option but to be dependent on them. I wish that wasn't the case but it is.